Main Street

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

August 23, 2012 // 0 Comments

International travel The fight over building a new U.S./Canada bridge is kind of funny. The owner of the current bridge has become mega-rich from tolls. He’s now spending millions to convince us that another bridge would cost us a fortune in tax money. He claims the tolls would not cover the cost. Well, Canada thinks there’s money to be made and it wants to foot the entire bill for the bridge and highway access. So the current bridge owner has offered to pay for another bridge himself. If it’s such a bad moneymaking deal, why would he want to build another? Verrry suspicious. Maybe that first bridge has been so lucrative he’d do anything to keep his monopoly. My advice: keep an eye on any Michigan legislators who vote against a second bridge. Senior thinking A worried senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed for me has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence. Then the lady replied, “I’m confused about how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’” Truck driver thinking Brian was driving his truck down the highway when he approached a bridge with a sign saying, “12 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down, wondering if he could drive under it or not. “Oh, let’s give it a try,” he thought, only to discover that his truck got stuck underneath. Brian looked things over, then got back in his seat, poured out a cup of coffee and lit a cigarette. A cop arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door. “What do you think you’re doing?” demanded the cop. “I’m having a break from work,” Brian said. The cop looked skeptical. “What kind of work is that?” he asked. “I deliver bridges,” replied Brian. Crazy thinking Sam went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there’s somebody under it. So I get under the bed and I think there’s somebody on top. I’m worried sick. You gotta help me.” “I can handle that,” said the doctor. “Come to me […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

August 9, 2012 // 0 Comments

Why I love my town Reason #129:  Most of us, we see the flashing lights go by with mild curiosity. Last week I had occasion to dial 9-1-1. All day I’d had a little trouble breathing, and at bedtime I didn’t want to bother anybody, but I was nervous. Within minutes, Officer Dave Jehnzen was at my door with oxygen and EMS supplies. Minutes later the Rockford Ambulance arrived with more equipment. My neighbors, Ken and Nancy Platt, came in. They all convinced me to go to St. Mary’s Emergency Room. So I took the bumpy ride in and got immediate and effective treatment. After a couple of hours they let me go. Ken had come to the hospital and he drove me home. This was my first experience with emergency service and I was impressed. Rockford police are cross-trained, as is the fire department in Cedar Springs (which did almost 700 medical calls last year.) The ambulance service is near all of us. I’m glad I live in an area where prompt emergency help is available even when we don’t think we’ll need it. Wonderful neighbors are frosting on the cake. Trouble brewing A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You’re in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that’s your job. I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replied, “No, you should do it. It’s in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replied, “I can’t believe that, show me.” So she fetched the Bible, opened to the New Testament and showed him the words at the top of several page that, indeed, said: “HEBREWS.” Skill Sandra was holidaying in Thailand when she saw a native wearing a beautiful white necklace. Admiring it, she asked the Thai, “What is it made of?” “Crocodile’s teeth,” the Thai replied. With an air of superiority, Sandra observed, “I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us in the West.” “Oh, no,” the native objected. “Anybody […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

August 2, 2012 // 0 Comments

Had enough? The election campaign seems to have gone on for several years. We’ve seen and heard the same malarkey over and over in the ads. Taking words out of context and making a phony fuss about them seems to be the strategy of choice. Checking the calendar: only three more months to go. I’ve had enough. You? The prediction business We need a better Ground Hog. I can’t remember what he said about an early spring but I remember we got one. (It was about two months early.) He never gives us advance information about summer, like VERY hot and almost no rain. I must say, the National Weather Service isn’t any better. There’s an old legend that furry caterpillars (woolly bears) predict a cold winter.  Check out the Farmers Almanac for lots of tips and news of the Woolly Bear Festival in Ohio. Supposed to be 100,000-plus attending that one. Travel tip Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up when you’re traveling. The phone rings, it’s loud, and you can’t turn it down. That’s why I leave the number of the room next to me. The ring on the other side of the wall sounds nice and quiet, and soon you hear a guy yell, “Why are you calling me?” Then you get up and take a shower. It’s great. Pop quiz Q:  You’re a bus driver. At the first stop four people get on. At the second stop eight people on, at the third stop two people off, at the fourth stop everyone gets off. The question is, what color are the bus driver’s eyes? A:  The same as yours. You’re the bus driver. And no back talk! Discipline On his first day at the new school, a headmaster was making rounds when he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. Marching in, he spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making most of the noise. So he seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the headmaster restored order and lectured the class for ten minutes on good behavior. “Now,” he concluded, “any questions?” One girl stood up […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

July 26, 2012 // 0 Comments

Everybody talks about it We sure got weather from Mother Nature last week. A week ago our shoes were melting and grass was burned to a crisp. Then, believe it or not, we got rain off and on for a few days. The farmers in Iowa would sell their kids for rain. After a nice day in the 50s, we were back into the 90s. We’re not out of the woods yet. We still have more summer ahead of us, and, according to climate experts, a warm fall. We’re still very short of rain. It may come, but may not. Drinking lots of water and staying inside with A/C fends off personal discomfort but doesn’t stop worries about the nation’s crops. Come fall, those tall house plants people set in living room corners may be the only corn left alive. Smart If lawyers can be debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that laundry workers could decrease, eventually even becoming depressed and depleted? Bed makers could be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded. Software engineers, of course, could be detested, and even music composers eventually decompose. Pretty smart Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.” Not so smart A friend reports: I saw a lady at work today inserting a credit card into her PC disk slot and pulling it out quickly. I asked what she was doing. She said she was shopping on the Internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using her computer’s ATM thingy. Blonde A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

July 19, 2012 // 0 Comments

Good News All over the world, cities and governments find themselves broke. Many have drastically cut services and jobs. You’ll be happy to know that both Rockford and Cedar Springs are in pretty good shape. Budget information is available on the Web. Rockford’s site has complete figures with all the extras, such as cemeteries, water and park funds, etc. Cedar’s site contains editorial comment about the budget, including a list of areas where the city has been saving money. It’s good to know that no worries are required for either city. Emergency managers and bankruptcies are for other people, other places. Memorial bun puns The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection plus complications from repeated pokes in the belly. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Among the dozens of celebrities who turned out to pay respects at the funeral were Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as someone who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy had risen quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus, they have one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Winning words A preacher came upon a group of grade school boys gathered around a dog. Concerned that the kids might be hurting the animal, he stopped and asked what they were doing. “This old dog is a neighborhood stray,” said one of the boys. “We all like him, but only one of us can take him home at a time. So we’re having a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie today gets to keep him for tonight.” Shocked, the preacher said, “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest […]

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