Main Street

Main Street – May 28, 2009

May 28, 2009 // 0 Comments

Spell that? It’s good to keep up on what’s happening in the world. Personally, however, I avoid reading news stories out loud. Hard-to-pronounce foreign names seem to pop up in every paragraph: Binyamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hu Jintao, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Hosni Mubarak, Barack Obama…. Scratch that last one. He’s one of ours. And isn’t it amazing how quickly “President Obama” has come to sound perfectly ordinary? Remembering #1 Memorial Day, the last Monday of May, is a holiday created to honor those who died in service to their country. It was first observed just after the Civil War and was called Decoration Day. At first it was used as a remembrance for Union soldiers only, but has expanded to include those from all services and wars. Many Americans also use Memorial Day to honor others who have died. Memorial Day used to be set for May 30. The date was changed in 1968 so Congress could have another three-day weekend. This year Memorial Day fell on the earliest May date possible. Which is why I got confused and forgot when it was and you’re reading this item a week late. Remembering #2 The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.” Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction TOMORROW: […]

Main Street

May 21, 2009 // 0 Comments

Green thumbs The Rockford Garden Club had its plant sale last Saturday. It was a cool, rainy morning, and early, too. It started at 9:00 a.m., with the line outside the Rotary Pavilion forming before that. I only had time for one cup of coffee before I went. I was astonished at the number of people furiously buying. To me, the plants looked like stuff I see all over in yards or even vacant lots. The Pavilion was jammed with people obviously enthused about this stuff.  I understood there were some choice items, and they were cheap compared with a garden shop. More power to the gardeners of the world! They help keep the place looking nice and they get a lot of enjoyment from it. I looked at my thumb and it still didn’t have a tinge of green so I went home to get more coffee. Donation Some people are kind to me. They send me stuff for this column. I guess they notice I need help. Several poems came in from a school class, all very nice. This one was sent by seventh-grader Will Zimmerman. On a warm summer day All the children laugh and play, Basketballs and footballs flying to and fro. They were happy to be freed from the terrible snow.   And when winter came And when the winter winds blew, They had their mothers brew      Nice hot soup. No more shooting basketballs at a hoop.   As winter tightens its hold, Children find entertainment growing mold. But when spring comes around What they thought was lost now is found, The nice warm sun.   I sure share Will’s feelings about winter and summer. First choice      An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And the third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which would you prefer?” After some thought, the patient replied, “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart.” The transplant was a success. Afterward, the doctor asked […]

Main Street – May 14, 2009

May 14, 2009 // 0 Comments

Fixing the glitch     We are a capitalist country. If a family opens a little shop and invests all their money in it, hoping to make a living, what happens if it fails?  The owners go broke and out of business, right?  That’s the way it’s always been, and still is, around here. A different system applies to Wall Street and the credit industry. If they go out on a limb hoping to make $millions, and they don’t do it right, we give them a few $billion to stay in business. Why the difference? It’s because they are “too big to fail,” meaning if they go down they take the rest of us with them. That glitch in capitalism is fixable by adopting the right regulations so Big Business can’t risk the financial health of the whole nation. Those big tax-funded bonuses for failed executives should light a fire under all of us taxpayers, whatever our politics. We need to demand that Congress reinstate the regulations that will keep this financial meltdown from happening again. Notice: will tell jokes for food. Call the Squire. Fixing the flu Our H1N1 flu pandemic seems to have fizzled. At least, for the time being. But let’s not get too comfortable about it: keep washing your hands and don’t skip your flu shot this fall. Even though the “pandemic” seems below average, we should follow the Boy Scout motto and “Be Prepared.” This is a Public Service announcement, brought to you FREE, no taxpayer money needed. Fixing the urge If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex.      It’ll keep you from streaking. Free joke A young woman brings her potential fiancé to meet the parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites him to the study for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks. “I am a Torah scholar,” says the young man. “A Torah scholar. Hmm,” says the father. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful […]

Main Street—May 7, 2009

May 7, 2009 // 0 Comments

Don’t blame the pigs Apparently it was the pork chop producers lobby that got the name “swine flu” changed to “H1N1 flu.”  I’m glad.  I had flu myself last winter and I never kissed a pig. Anyway, pigs never had this particular strain of influenza. These intelligent animals got the bad rap because it’s related to a disease they sometimes get. What an injustice – encouraged, no doubt, by the fact that pigs aren’t beautiful. Human beings are so shallow. Looking east, I understand in Egypt they are killing all the pigs just to be on the safe side.  If we have to blame the disease on an innocent animal, let’s call it “mole flu.”  Nobody is fond of moles and they’re not part of a food industry. Maybe the Egyptians should kill all their moles. The pork lobby would appreciate having the world’s attention diverted from its product. Looking south, I think we should just feel sorry for the Mexicans. Between swine flu-oops, H1N1-and the drug wars, they’re living dangerous lives. They have plenty of reasons for sneaking into the U.S. TO:  GOD FROM: DOG Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed? Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog? Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog:  1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.   2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.  3. The Litter Box is not a cookie […]

Main Street, April 30, 2009

April 30, 2009 // 0 Comments

What’s for Breakfast? In the “old” days, breakfast was a lot of pork and bread and potatos and eggs.  Maybe even pie!  I was facinated by the long shelves of cereal at the store.  Our local D&W has about 100′ of shelving, six shelves high, devoted to cold cereal.  That’s 600 feet!  The internet lists page after page of different cereals. The original breakfast cereal was a “granola” designed to promote digestion. It was terrible! Corn Flakes was an accident. Some cereal paste was accidentally left overnight. When cooked in the morning…voila! Corn Flakes. The original Kellogg was a doctor with a sanitarium in Battle Creek. He wanted a breakfast food that provided more fiber. He wanted nothing to do with the food business; he thought it would compromise his professional status. His brother, W.K. Kellogg took over the cereal business and went to town!  The current amazing variety of cereals is the result. We don’t want to overlook Charles William Post.  He became a patient at the Kellogg sanitorium.  He didn’t do well at the hospital, but he got interested in the new food fashion.  He started his own cereal business in Battle Creek and invented Grape Nuts.  They were like the oringinal granola but edible!  He became successful with Post Toasties and went on from there. Next week, Lunch? A Southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.   With great emphasis he said,  “If I  had all the beer in the world,    I’d take it and pour it into the river.”  With even greater emphasis he said,   “And if I had all the wine in the world,    I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,   “And if I had all the whiskey in the world,   I’d take it and pour it into the river.”  Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,   “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,   “Shall We Gather at the River.” Gas or electric? After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs.  The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair […]

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