Roger Allen

Main Street – June 4, 2009

June 4, 2009 // 0 Comments

by Roger Allen, publisher   This is the Twilight Zone The Dow rose 221 points on Monday, the day General Motors filed for bankruptcy. In fact, stock markets all over the world went up. On Tuesday, GM’s new CEO, Fritz Henderson, gave a news conference in which he apologized for any shoddy products produced in the past. He promised better from the reorganized company. He also announced that GM had just sold its Hummer division. Oh, darn, I wanted to buy that one myself. Hummers are BIG. We taxpayers gave GM billions of dollars and all we get is a share of the uncertainty, although on Tuesday CFO Ray Young said, in an interview, that he hoped to pay back the money. He optimistically foresees the new GM becoming profitable in 2 or 3 years. Hope he’s right. Hope the financial industry we bailed out does well, too. We need the money. Last year the total wealth of all U.S. households declined by $11,200,000,000,000. In the old days, if you worked hard and smart you could get rich. If you screwed up badly, you lost everything. Personally, I liked that system better.   Good news The seventh grade seems to be full of poets. Aaron Rose sent me one and I reprint part of it:   SPRING Spring is the season of Not quite winter Not quite summer And not a lot of school left.   There was more, but this is the part that spoke to me.   My mother said . . .   1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL          DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.        I just finished cleaning.”  2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray          that will come out of the carpet.”  3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you        don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the        middle of next week!”  4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so,         that’s why.”   5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out       of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going       […]

Main Street – May 28, 2009

May 28, 2009 // 0 Comments

Spell that? It’s good to keep up on what’s happening in the world. Personally, however, I avoid reading news stories out loud. Hard-to-pronounce foreign names seem to pop up in every paragraph: Binyamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hu Jintao, Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Hosni Mubarak, Barack Obama…. Scratch that last one. He’s one of ours. And isn’t it amazing how quickly “President Obama” has come to sound perfectly ordinary? Remembering #1 Memorial Day, the last Monday of May, is a holiday created to honor those who died in service to their country. It was first observed just after the Civil War and was called Decoration Day. At first it was used as a remembrance for Union soldiers only, but has expanded to include those from all services and wars. Many Americans also use Memorial Day to honor others who have died. Memorial Day used to be set for May 30. The date was changed in 1968 so Congress could have another three-day weekend. This year Memorial Day fell on the earliest May date possible. Which is why I got confused and forgot when it was and you’re reading this item a week late. Remembering #2 The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.” Definitions ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction TOMORROW: […]

Main Street – May 14, 2009

May 14, 2009 // 0 Comments

Fixing the glitch     We are a capitalist country. If a family opens a little shop and invests all their money in it, hoping to make a living, what happens if it fails?  The owners go broke and out of business, right?  That’s the way it’s always been, and still is, around here. A different system applies to Wall Street and the credit industry. If they go out on a limb hoping to make $millions, and they don’t do it right, we give them a few $billion to stay in business. Why the difference? It’s because they are “too big to fail,” meaning if they go down they take the rest of us with them. That glitch in capitalism is fixable by adopting the right regulations so Big Business can’t risk the financial health of the whole nation. Those big tax-funded bonuses for failed executives should light a fire under all of us taxpayers, whatever our politics. We need to demand that Congress reinstate the regulations that will keep this financial meltdown from happening again. Notice: will tell jokes for food. Call the Squire. Fixing the flu Our H1N1 flu pandemic seems to have fizzled. At least, for the time being. But let’s not get too comfortable about it: keep washing your hands and don’t skip your flu shot this fall. Even though the “pandemic” seems below average, we should follow the Boy Scout motto and “Be Prepared.” This is a Public Service announcement, brought to you FREE, no taxpayer money needed. Fixing the urge If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex.      It’ll keep you from streaking. Free joke A young woman brings her potential fiancé to meet the parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites him to the study for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks. “I am a Torah scholar,” says the young man. “A Torah scholar. Hmm,” says the father. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful […]

Main Street, April 30, 2009

April 30, 2009 // 0 Comments

What’s for Breakfast? In the “old” days, breakfast was a lot of pork and bread and potatos and eggs.  Maybe even pie!  I was facinated by the long shelves of cereal at the store.  Our local D&W has about 100′ of shelving, six shelves high, devoted to cold cereal.  That’s 600 feet!  The internet lists page after page of different cereals. The original breakfast cereal was a “granola” designed to promote digestion. It was terrible! Corn Flakes was an accident. Some cereal paste was accidentally left overnight. When cooked in the morning…voila! Corn Flakes. The original Kellogg was a doctor with a sanitarium in Battle Creek. He wanted a breakfast food that provided more fiber. He wanted nothing to do with the food business; he thought it would compromise his professional status. His brother, W.K. Kellogg took over the cereal business and went to town!  The current amazing variety of cereals is the result. We don’t want to overlook Charles William Post.  He became a patient at the Kellogg sanitorium.  He didn’t do well at the hospital, but he got interested in the new food fashion.  He started his own cereal business in Battle Creek and invented Grape Nuts.  They were like the oringinal granola but edible!  He became successful with Post Toasties and went on from there. Next week, Lunch? A Southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.   With great emphasis he said,  “If I  had all the beer in the world,    I’d take it and pour it into the river.”  With even greater emphasis he said,   “And if I had all the wine in the world,    I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,   “And if I had all the whiskey in the world,   I’d take it and pour it into the river.”  Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,   “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,   “Shall We Gather at the River.” Gas or electric? After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs.  The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair […]

Main Street

April 15, 2009 // 0 Comments

Constantly confusing We’ve just enjoyed another Easter event with church services, goody baskets, and Easter egg hunts. We’re also enjoying some pretty nice weather compared with the last couple of months. Originally, Easter was a celebration of spring, although in these parts spring weather sometimes lags behind. At least we know the official date of spring’s arrival: the Earth moves, the seasons change. The date of Easter is elusive. If you can’t keep track, blame your confusion on Emperor Constantine. It was he who decreed that “Easter shall be celebrated on the first Sunday that occurs after the first full moon on or after the vernal equinox.” Watch out, though. The “full moon” in the rule is the ecclesiastical full moon, which is defined as the fourteenth day of a tabular lunation, where day one corresponds to the ecclesiastical New Moon. It doesn’t always occur on the same date as the astronomical full moon. The ecclesiastical “vernal equinox” is always on March 21. Therefore, Easter must be celebrated on a Sunday between the dates of March 22 and April 25. Now you know everything about the date Easter falls on. You probably won’t even have to consult a calendar in the future. However, if you have any continuing confusion about when it will be Easter, watch for a pink bunny carrying eggs. Mysteriously transmitted Two guys are out hunting in the woods, and as they’re walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by its size. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter says, “I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there and listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “I see an old transmission over here. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in.” So they pick up the transmission, carry it over, count one and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They’re standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the […]

1 27 28 29 30 31