Roger Allen

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

April 19, 2012 // 0 Comments

North Korea, Syria and Iran represent a few more wars our country could stay out of. If you’re in favor of war, skip down to the jokes. My own low approval of war comes from a long life that goes back so far that for most people it’s only “history.” My military service was spent in Korea in 1946-1948, the handful of years between World War II and the full-blown Korean War. None of America’s wars occurred on our soil in living memory. For that we should be thankful. But maybe it has made us, as a nation, more accepting of our going to war. On the bright side, although America has many religions and sects, we seem to get along. That is a real blessing. Other countries have internal religious wars in which America should think long and hard before getting involved. Maybe we’re all agreed on that. What I’m trying to say about war can be summed up in two words: Be Skeptical.   Religious viewpoint A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her six- and seven-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” their fathers and mothers, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one boy, the eldest child in his family, answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”   Perfect viewpoint At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding to her friends on her idea of the perfect mate: “It’s very important that the man I marry be musical with a decent singing voice. I consider a sense of humor to be essential, as well as knowing how to tell jokes. In other words, the man I marry has to be a shining light among company. But he also must be the kind who will stay home with me at night.” A male listener at a nearby table overheard and spoke up: “Lady, what you really want is a television set!”   Blonde viewpoint A blonde went to her doctor and showed him that both her ears were red and painful. The doctor asked her what had happened. “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang,” she told him, “but, instead of picking up the […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

April 12, 2012 // 0 Comments

Watch out for weather Weather is always on our mind. Cold winters, hot summers, storms. The really bad ones are rare, but we have had tornados, windstorms, floods and ice storms. On the national level we are recovering from the recession and changes due to the global economy. The moral; We live in a moderate climate, and compared to some parts of the world, we live pretty well. Enjoy life. It’s all we have. Speedy A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked, “that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” “That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight.” Cozy An old woman says to her friend, “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.” Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?” The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.” Access There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now.” The man at the door says, “Come on in.” The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?” The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!” Primary John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, John’s seat was in the last row in the […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

April 5, 2012 // 0 Comments

Annual Humor Banquet As you all know, or should, the Squire’s annual Humor Banquet has come and gone. YOU WEREN’T THERE. Shame on you. The Squire always holds its humor banquet at noon the Saturday before April Fools Day. Location: the sidewalk of The Corner Bar at Main and Courtland streets in Rockford. The rules: bring jokes to share and buy your own hotdog. Okay, so I wasn’t at this year’s banquet, either, but I have a good excuse (don’t know about YOU). Loaded with jokes, I stepped into the garage at 11:00. My car’s flat tire made me grab the bike. However, before even getting to the corner, I hit the neighborhood porcupine. The porcupine gave me a dirty look and waddled off, leaving me with two flat bike tires. So: back to the house, on foot, wheeling the bike; called the flat tire fixer guys. I was standing in the driveway next to their truck when a passing skateboarder clipped me in the ankle. I suffered only a damaged sock but the skateboarder lost his balance and landed smack on that same accident-prone porcupine. While I cussed out the porcupine and chased him up his tree, the flat tire guys called an ambulance for the skateboarder, who was unreasonably frantic about some quills sticking out of his backside. While waiting for the ambulance, the skateboarder called his lawyer. The lawyer arrived while I was still in the tree pursuing the porcupine. I saw him taking notes about the tree and the porcupine being on MY property. The ambulance arrived and took away the skateboarder. Still determined to make it to the Humor Banquet on time, I headed off in a sprint down the street toward The Corner Bar. When I stepped on the left-behind skateboard, I knew it was a lost cause. My next-door neighbor, Ken Platt, bandaged my injured hand while I tried to ignore the mean-spirited snorts and chortles of the porcupine up there in the tree. It was disappointing to miss my most fun event the year. I attach a few jokes I tried to bring with me to the banquet: Historical note A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide, who says, “This is the […]


February 9, 2012 // 0 Comments

Groundhog Day revisited You may have read here recently that Punxatawney Phil got laid off. Now we’ve discovered the reason: it’s best not to make a big deal about your job dissatisfaction.       Valentine’s Day Ah, love. We’re always looking for it or trying to improve it, and we feel lost without it. We have only one holiday about it, but it’s a biggie. Giving valentines is one of the great ideas of the western world. I never get cards for Labor Day, President’s Day, or the Fourth of July. A question of taste A ranger catches a guy eating a bald eagle. At the man’s trial, the judge asks, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?” “Yes,” says the man, “but let me explain. I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything to eat for a week. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for fish. I thought if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal a fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish, I killed the eagle. I figured I might as well eat it since it would be worse to let it rot on the ground.” After considering the man’s answer, the judge says, “Due to the extreme circumstance and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?” “Well, your honor,” says the man, “it’s hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California condor and a spotted owl.” In due course An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he’d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Service was slow. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, “You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here…” “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait your turn, sir,” replied the waiter. “I can only serve one table at a time.” Heads up A little kid is flipping a coin while taking a true-false test. At the end of the test, […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

January 26, 2012 // 0 Comments

Great new job idea How about hiring real people to answer business phones? Most big companies have computers answering their phones. Voice prompts may sound like real people, but we all know they aren’t. And when you push a button, you just get a different computer. Sometimes the computer says, “Our staff is busy with other calls. Please stay on the line and someone will help you soon.” Computers that lie to us should be fired (and real people hired to take their place). Sometimes the computer at the other end of the phone line refers you to a website. Websites are on computers. It’s a vicious circle. Not only should companies hire real people to answer phones, they should cast them in their TV commercials. I happen to know that the cartoon characters in ads are generated by (you guessed it) computers. Replacing computers with real people may sound extreme, but, considering the country’s jobs situation, isn’t it worth a try? Great advice I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day. February If you think the holiday season is over, wait till you see February. First, it’s Black History Month. Then we also get Groundhog Day, Chinese New Year, Super Bowl Sunday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Washington’s Birthday, Valentine’s Day, President’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday. This year February gets an extra day in order to fit everything in. Fame A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor. “Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.” The visitor was surprised. “Joshua Hemingway? Was he also a writer?” “Yes, indeed,” said the guide. “He wrote the check.” Ferry story Tom loved living on Staten Island but wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when he spotted a ferry no more than 15 feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t risk an […]

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