Roger Allen

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

December 15, 2011 // 0 Comments

A personal thanks …to all the people who have put up pretty Christmas decorations. No, I don’t have any myself yet, but the rest of you make the town look beautiful. Lacking in smarts I’ve been noticing all those squirrels around town and how they keep running into the roads. They’re fearless. Sometimes they stop in the middle and stare at me. Given that living creatures, over time, develop ways of surviving, I’d think that the smart ones would be afraid of cars. All the others, the dumb ones, would have been crow food by now. Apparently brain evolution evolves slower than the combustion engine. Not so smart A couple of newspaper bloopers (not ours): • “Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor on driving while intoxicated.” • “He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.” Smart On her way back from the concession stand, the girl asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?” Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.” The girl smiled. “Oh good,” she said, “then this is my row.” Very smart Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer pocketed the money and agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. “Sorry, son,” said the farmer when he got to Kenny’s house the next morning. “I have some bad news. The donkey died.” Kenny: “Well then, just give me my money back.” Farmer: “Can’t do that. I already went and spent it.” Kenny: “Okay then, just unload the donkey.” Farmer: What ya gonna do with him?” Kenny: “I’m going to raffle him off.” Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” Kenny: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month later the farmer met up with Kenny again. “What happened with that dead donkey?” he asked. Kenny: “Like I said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made […]

MAIN STREET — by Roger Allen, publisher

December 8, 2011 // 0 Comments

XXX rated The Republican presidential field has been slimming down as the candidates dig up dirt on each other. Herman Cain was shot down with surprising speed. Do you suppose that a few of the others have their fingers crossed, hoping that embarrassing episodes don’t surface? American politics has almost become free adult entertainment. The process does increase the chances that we’ll get the cleanest candidate. But remember, it doesn’t always follow that he/she will be the most competent. So far, so good We missed the big storm on the east coast that put out the lights for weeks. Now we seem to have missed the windstorm on the west coast. I have my fingers crossed. (No, not for that.) Speaking of… Speaking of the war between the sexes, here’s a woman’s point of view: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.” Logic question A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here’s the situation,” she says. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the riverbank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?” A girl raised her hand and responded, “To draw out all his savings?” More logic questions • Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”? • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? • When someone says, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents worth in, what happens to the other penny? • Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s stale bread to begin with. • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Critical analysis A retired man in New York volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals. Recently he went through his act at a Brooklyn hospital. He told some jokes, played his portable keyboard, and sang funny songs. In farewell, he waved and said, “I hope you get better.” One elderly […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

December 1, 2011 // 0 Comments

Real story Last week on TV, I saw a Harrison Ford movie—the one where he’s on a perilous quest for a mysterious crystal skull. That reminded me of the day many years ago when I, personally, stumbled into the world of the crystal skull. This is true. I’d driven my mother to Kitchener, Ontario, so she could visit a friend of hers. Her friend, it turned out, had an interesting past. Stashed in the woman’s closet was a case containing… yes… a crystal skull. The woman’s father supposedly was a British explorer. She claimed she had accompanied him on an expedition to Central America in the 1920s, where he (they) discovered the artifact. The details of how they found it were murky, but the “thing” did look like a human skull made of clear crystal. The details of the supernatural powers of the skull were also a bit murky. I held it in my hands. It was heavy and perfectly done, with no tool marks. I must not be susceptible to magic. As far as I know, my close encounter didn’t affect me one way or the other. Horse story The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a beer. A few minutes later a tall cowboy came in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood, hitched up his gun belt, and said, “I do. Why?” “I thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead out there,” said the cowboy. The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed out and, sure enough, Silver had nearly expired from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver seemed to feel a little better. “Tonto,” said the Lone Ranger, “I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough breeze to cool him off a little more.” Tonto took off, running circles around Silver while the Lone Ranger went back inside to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy walked into the bar and asked, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” “I do,” said the Lone Ranger. “What’s wrong with him this time?” “Nothing much,” said the cowboy. “I just wanted […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

November 24, 2011 // 0 Comments

Zap on! The Republican nomination wrestle is turning out to be more fun than I expected. What a sight. All eight candidates are dancing around for a better position. While energetically looking for dirt on the others, each tries to deflect attention away from his (or her) own personal shortcomings. Yes, it’s tacky, even discouraging, but we might as well enjoy it if we can. When the GOP has chosen its candidate, the REAL mud slinging will start. I could do without it and will keep my TV remote in hand. You? Meanwhile, have a nice Thanksgiving! Long joke A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final question. If she answered it correctly, she’d win $1 million. If not, she’d pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. Naturally, the $1 million question wasn’t easy: “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor, B) the buzzard, C) the cuckoo, or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She didn’t know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman had hoped she wouldn’t have to use it because her friend was, well, a blond. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blond responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C, the cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was blond, that seemed like the logical move. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty… Crossing her fingers, the woman said, “C, the cuckoo.” In joy, she heard the host’s response “That answer is… absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you!” said the […]

MAIN STREET by Roger Allen, publisher

November 17, 2011 // 0 Comments

The people speak The Constitution states that it’s designed to “…promote the general Welfare…” Various elections around the country last week promoted something, and maybe the results were generally good for us. Down in Kalamazoo, voters decided they weren’t going to jail people who had small quantities of marijuana. Could be that Kalamazoo has too many marijuana perps, I mean casual users, for the police to bother with. In Ohio the people spoke and the unions aren’t busted. Let’s be glad about that, since collective bargaining played a major role in creating our American middle class (which seems endangered at the moment, but that’s for another column). Some surprising compromises popped up between social conservatives and social liberals. Mississippi voters decided that just-fertilized human eggs weren’t full-fledged people after all. (Seems obvious to me, but that’s Mississippi for you.) If the proposal had passed, would forgetting to take your prenatal vitamin get you charged with child neglect? Would running or swimming while pregnant be considered child endangerment? Can’t you just imagine lines of newly pregnant Mississippians applying for fetal Social Security? Speaking of the South… Redneck Computer Lingo: • “Hard drive”—Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires while pulling a trailer load of barnyard fertilizer. • “Reboot”—What you do when the first pair gets covered with the barnyard fertilizer. • “Keyboard”—Place to hang your truck keys. • “Window”—Place in the truck to hang your guns. • “Modem”—How you got rid of your dandelions. • “Mouse”—Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff into your beer bottle so you can get a free case. Household hint department 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop. 2. Avoid arguments with the ladies about putting down the toilet seat: use the sink. 3. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will keep you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 4. You need only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. Truth or Consequences Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. (For you younger folks, Laurel and Hardy made […]

1 5 6 7 8 9 31